Dealing with Religious Regret

Want to know one of the most effective ways to move through the regret of your religious past? We'll give you a hint: It has nothing to do with beating yourself up over what you once believed, the choices you made because of it, the harm you might have caused, and the time you wasted within that system. 

The way you begin to move forward now is by understanding what your needs were back then.

Maybe this isn't exactly the answer you were hoping for but trust us when we say that when you start seeing yourself through the lens of someone who was trying to get her needs met (and getting clear about what those were), your regrets will begin to propel you forward vs. keeping you stuck in a shame cycle. 

Religion met (or at least attempted to meet) some deep needs within you. Here's what we mean:

When you made the decision to believe that an all powerful God had a perfect plan for your life, it most likely gave you a sense of relief. You liked the notion that there was a blueprint for living life, and if followed correctly, you'd not only be saved from eternal damnation but would also find favor in God's eyes. This meant you'd also receive "his" protection, making life feel a bit more manageable. By believing this, it probably made you feel safe and secure (which are basic core needs we all have btw).

Even if high demand religion failed to meet these needs for you, it certainly promised it would if you simply followed all the rules, moral codes, and social structures correctly. When it didn't work like it was supposed to you were probably left feeling like it was all your fault, you must have been doing something wrong or it would be working by now. We can guarantee that there was an iceberg of needs you were actually trying to meet that were much deeper than the rules religion taught you to follow.

What we want for you to understand is that you weren't just a foolish idiot for what you believed and how you acted based off of those beliefs.

You were led by your needs (even if you didn't know), and acted on meeting them in ways you thought were effective. So when you want to scream at your younger self because she gave away her power, learned to disconnect herself from her heart and body, and stayed in a system that so deeply failed her, it's important to remember:

• She deeply believed these things because she found core needs that were being met, OR
• She needed to believe these things in order to stay emotionally and mentally safe within a family and community that told her this was the way to do so

And here's the kicker: Those needs are still in existence to this day! A huge part of recovering from high demand religion is uncovering what your core needs actually are and learning how to meet those needs for good.