What If the Steady Thing You’re Longing For Is YOU?

When I first moved to Chicago 8 years ago, I was hungry for belonging like I once found in the Church. I threw annual Halloween parties, hosted themed dinners, and monthly art nights. Over time, I stitched together a beautiful, quirky, big-hearted community that helped fill some of the gaps in my life. I've met some incredible people here.

But here’s something I didn’t expect: Chicago is a transient city. People move to the suburbs in droves as their kids get older. And this summer, I’ll be saying goodbye to the tenth family I’ve grown close to. Tenth!

The first nine families, the grief felt familiar. But this time, something new showed up: anger.

I could feel myself pulling away, growing cynical, even thinking, Why bother making friends if they’re just going to leave? I started to shut down.

That thought stopped me in my tracks. I paused and noticed—Wow, I’m really angry about this. And instead of pushing that feeling away, I got curious (thank you, Happy Whole U™ tools), and asked, I wonder what is underneath this? So, I began to explore:

• What’s this anger trying to show me?
• What is my anger protecting me from?
• What are my rules here? 

(Stick with me to the end. I’ve included some gentle questions to help you explore this for yourself in a deeper, more meaningful way).

Beneath the anger, I saw the attempt I was trying to silence the part of me that ached for connection. And then I found something even more tender:

A resistance to the way life keeps changing. A part of me that is still shaped by old beliefs and unspoken rules, still longs for something fixed and certain. 

Maybe you know that feeling, too?

What I hadn’t realized, though, was that I’d overlooked one essential truth about building community: People have the freedom to stay… or to leave.

In my longing to build something steady around me, I forgot that life is always shifting and change is part of the deal. 

My curiosity gave me an invitation to look at that part of me that wants guarantees, that’s tired of starting over, that still believes, somewhere deep down, that if I just do things right, I’ll get to keep what I love (how human of me!).

But unfortunately, life doesn’t really work like that, does it? And healing asks us to face this again and again. I had to ask myself: 

• How much energy am I spending trying to control the uncontrollable?
• How much of my peace depends on everything around me staying still? 

It became clear: if I wanted something steady, I had to root in myself. Not because I didn’t need others, but because I wanted to stay surrounded by them without losing me.

And maybe you’re realizing this, too. That your longing isn't just for people who get you, but for the kind of connection that starts from within. To build a sense of belonging that doesn’t disappear when others do, and no matter where life leads you, you can learn to carry that steadiness with you.

After all, isn’t that the journey we’re all being drawn into after deconstructing? The slow, sacred return to ourselves, where we stop outsourcing our safety, and begin to build it from within.

This Week's Coaching Questions:

1. Where am I grasping for control right now, and is it something that’s truly mine to hold?

2. What part of me is asking to be seen, included, or reassured today?

3. How can I show up for myself the way I wish someone else would?

See if you can stay gentle and curious about what you find without rushing to fix or change anything.