Unlearning Conditional Joy

Sometimes, the pain of triggers or the grief of loss isn’t just the hardest part of leaving a high-control religion. What can be just as difficult is the unfamiliar, often uncomfortable act of allowing joy; of sitting with moments of sweetness and presence without guilt, suspicion, or the reflex to shut it down.

Paradoxically, joy can feel heavy, not light.

That’s because joy was spiritualized, moralized, and made conditional. In many religious settings, it was placed in a rigid hierarchy: Jesus, Others, You. A formula that taught us to come last. Religion claimed ownership over joy, defining and restricting it through rigid rules and considering it holy only when it was self-sacrificial. 

Part of deconstruction is reclaiming something different. Something that isn't performative or conditional, but rather quiet, gentle, and rooted in the everyday.

• Joy in self-kindness
• Joy in presence (with others, with the moment, with yourself)
• Joy in the moments that show up unannounced 

But let’s be honest, this reclamation can be complicated. Joy doesn’t come untangled. It often arrives wrapped in old rules, expectations, and shame. It takes intention to sort through what’s true and what was taught. Which is why, rather than judging our reactions or shutting them down, we approach them with gentle curiosity: 

Why does joy feel hard right now? 

What old belief or unspoken rule might be surfacing?

So when those old rules show up, the ones that say joy must be earned through self-sacrifice, or that it is only holy when it hurts, we meet them with compassion. We remind ourselves that those messages were learned, not chosen. And we practice giving ourselves the kind of grace we were taught to reserve for others.

Maybe reclamation doesn’t come through dramatic or performative moments like we were taught. Maybe exploring joy begins by attuning to the subtle, everyday sparks that bring lightness, connection, or peace (also called glimmers).

What if it took only five seconds in your day to intentionally choose to notice joy in those everyday places?

So here’s your invitation: Each day this week (or even just a few times), pause for five seconds and look for a glimmer in one of these categories. Let your senses lead the way: 

1. SEE something beautiful: a color, a shadow, a blooming flower, a face you love
2. HEAR something soothing or playful: birdsong, laughter, a song that lifts you
3. SMELL something comforting: fresh coffee, lavender, the air after rain
4. TOUCH something grounding: warm water, soft fabric, your own heartbeat, a pet's fur
5. TASTE something that makes you pause and savor: a bite of something sweet, or warm, peach juice dripping down your chin 

You can snap a photo, jot it down in a glimmers log, or simply make a mental note. However you choose to capture it, don’t try to hold on or control the moment. Just notice it, and let it be fleeting. Think of each one as a small hello to joy; your very own glimmers scavenger hunt.

I’ll be doing this myself all month. A quiet little hunt for moments that make me pause and smile. As Ross Gay puts it, I’m training my “delight radar” to notice beauty in places I might have missed before. It’s already been surprising, grounding, and honestly, a bit magical. Here are some glimmers I've been able to snap a photo of this week:

 Here's to reclaiming joy, one small moment at a time 🥂